(This is based on a true story.)

I know that I’m only seven years old and lack the necessary wisdom to make such a decision, but I decided to become a vampire. I’d finished reading Twilight* and wanted to be like Edward so I could get all the ladies.

My friend already was one so I kindly asked him to bite me, which he did…on my hand. It didn’t hurt at first, but then while my mother and I were strolling through the grocery store that evening, the full weight of my situation settled on me, in the form of searing pain and uncontrollable hunger, and I knew I had made a mistake.

My mother didn’t believe me when I calmly told her that I was becoming a vampire, but she perked up when I threw myself on the floor and told her I needed to go to the hospital right away so they could reverse the changes. Being a vampire just wasn’t worth it. Luckily we made it in time.

I was given the antidote disguised as a Popsicle and some stickers and now I’m fine. But let this be a lesson to anyone else under the age of sanity: Don’t make the same mistake. Being a vampire sucks.

(Technically, the seven year old in question didn’t read Twilight himself, but had caught the craze in passing.)